I just read this opinion piece in the NYT about how to stop bullying. It was prompted by a new law in Massachusetts that tries to get schools to adopt stronger policies against bullying.
The article talks about different kinds of bullies, and I was convicted. This, for instance -- "plenty of friendly, responsible children dabble in mean behavior" -- could apply to many of us. But what about this? "A clique of preadolescent girls who form a club with the specific function of being mean to other girls."
So here's my confession. It's not that I've never told anyone this before, but I still feel guilty about it. More, I still feel confused about why it even happened.
In fifth grade, I was a founding member of the I Hate Laurie G. Club. I don't remember anything at all about why a couple friends and I started this club. Laurie was a distant-ish neighbor of mine, not a close friend, but not someone I remember having strong feelings about one way or another except in this specific incidence.
Honestly, if I can remember my feelings at all, I'm pretty sure I didn't hate Laurie G. It was just exciting to be part of a club with such a provocative, aggressive name. It's entirely possible Laurie was a randomly chosen target.
I have no memory of who the other club members were, though I could hazard some guesses. But since I get to be "anonymous" here (yeah, right), I'll let those guesses remain undisclosed.
So, I know nothing about our motivation. I know nothing about who else was involved. My primary memory is of exactly where in the middle school building we were standing when we got chewed out by our teacher. The IHLG Club didn't last more than a couple of hours. I don't know whether Laurie was the one who told on us, or whether someone else came to her aid. What's amazing to me is that she didn't retaliate.
I was generally, I like to think, a pretty nice kid. I was taught to defend the weak and vulnerable. I was taught right from wrong. I was taught to respect others, even if they weren't my friends. I was not a bully. But I bullied, at least this one time. I have no idea where this random, narrowly targeted cruelty came from. No idea. But I'm really sorry for it.
Part of me wants to ask Laurie if she remembers this episode, and tell her I'm sorry. I know I could find her on facebook, because I've seen her respond on other people's updates. But it seems like it might be rude to bring it up. Then again, perhaps my hesitation is cowardice. What do you think? Should I contact her?
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2 comments:
You know, I've received two apologies from people who were mean to me in elementary school and junior high (and one friend returned a small item she'd stolen from me more than 20 years before). I had no memory of either incident, and I was glad to simply accept the apologies and move on.
While I was the frequent target of bullies, I myself have mostly gotten over it (though I'm often surprised that people really do like me and aren't just tolerating me).
Many others were far more traumatized than I was, however, and are still deeply affected by it in profound and painful ways.
I think that either way, it's a good thing to apologize. Recognizing your error and seeking to make amends is just the right thing to do. If, like me, she doesn't remember or doesn't care, she may just be mildly gratified. If she was badly wounded, she may still be angry, but at least she will know that you grew up, recognized you were wrong, and admitted it.
The odds of it being no big deal or a chance for healing are far better than the odds that it unnecessarily brings stuff up for her, I think.
I was bullied tremendously as a child and nothing any of those folks could say to me now would help heal the wounds of my childhood. I'd feel as though their apologies (and my forgiveness) would be about helping them heal, not me.
Of course, I was never a teenage girl...
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