Bucket List?

So the Five on Friday assignment over at RevGalBlogPals is to write a Bucket List, five things you want to do before you die. The name is from the movie, about two old guys (Morgan Freeman and someone who might be Jack Nicholson) who, I guess, decide to do the things they've always wanted to do before they die.

As I considered whether I wanted to make such a list, I discovered not a small amount of ambivalence. The first two things that occurred to me were (1) going on a cruise (embarrassing, I know, but I think I would love it) and (2) learning to dance flamenco. (3) Learning to fly a plane should probably also be in this category.

And then I realized that the chances of me ever doing these things are pretty slim. Not because I couldn't, but just because I wouldn't. At the moment, at least, my life is too full, to focused on doing what I do, to extract the huge amounts of time and money that would be required for large, indulgent hobbies or trips. And I'm fine with that.

I'm not saying this won't change as I age; it quite possibly will. But at the moment, a Bucket List for me is not really a list about the real me. It's more a list of the person I would be if I had piles of money and no job, and no compulsion to spend either my time or my money on anyone but myself. That's not really who I am. And that's fine with me too. It's a person I don't mind fantasizing about sometimes, but it's not, ultimately, who I end up being, based on the choices I make about what to do with my life.

(I do not want to give the impression that I'm some sort of ascetic saint. I enjoy plenty of small, usually cheap indulgences in my life. Just not a lot of huge ones.)

Can I think of two more? How about (4) having a horse and riding it regularly and (5) designing and building (or rather, having built) my own home? So there's a list, but how does it really relate to me?

So if I admit that this list isn't really about the real me, what list would be? Are there, in fact, goals I have that I do, honestly, hope to achieve? Why do I feel this resistance to writing them down?

(1) I would like to be the pastor of a really great, healthy, active church some day. Or a few of them, in fact. I love the church I serve now, but I wouldn't call it healthy yet, as it's not of a sustainable size and it's too pastor-dependent still. We are very much still learning how to work with God so the church is the primary energy rather than the pastor.

(2) I would like to write a book or even more than one. Not sure what about yet, but I would like to collect some of my work and thoughts and know that others find them helpful.

(3) I think I might like to be a judicatory minister. I put a very large "might" on this one because it's the kind of thing I truly believe is up to God. If that door opens up, great. If it doesn't, that will be okay too, and I won't go to my grave disappointed. I've always felt that it's pointless (for me) to worry about finding the right job, because there's plenty of work to be done.

(4) I would like to be a good and involved aunt. Right now, that is hard because we are too far away from my niece and impending nephew, and they are too small to travel on their own (especially Doodle, the impending nephew -- he doesn't go anywhere without his mama!). I would like to be a little closer some day, so that we can have a more frequent relationship. But again, this is up to God; I am not going to make major life decisions (like where to live) based primarily on this desire.

(5) I would like to be a person who stays in shape for most of my life. Just barely starting to get a handle on this. I read (in my twenties) that the fitness habits you develop in your twenties are the ones that stay with you for the rest of your life. Evidently, I was not impressed, because I developed no fitness habits in my twenties. Maybe you can still do it in your thirties. I'm still walking twice a week, and I recently bought some five(!) pound hand weights so I can grow some arm muscles while watching tv.

There, that list isn't so ridiculous. It's a strange exercise to make a list of things you might like to do but probably never will. It's a different thing entirely to make a list of things you realistically hope you'll do. I wonder if this blog will still exist when I'm 65 so I can check what happened.