My Singular Experience

I had a rather unusual experience of September 11, 2001.

That morning, I was driving a moving van, traveling toward my new hometown here in the Heart of Dixie. My sister was driving my car. We had walkie-talkies so we could communicate with each other. I heard about a plane crashing into a building over that walkie-talkie.

I was sure she had something confused. I'd been listening to an oldies station and had heard nothing. Eventually, with patchy radio reception, we started to realize something was really happening.

We got into town about 1:00. I didn't actually have a house to move into. We had to go pick one out, due to last-minute changes with the realtors. People were only beginning to react, and we needed somewhere to sleep that night.

We chose a house. We moved stuff. We ate dinner with a couple from the church.

I do not come from TV people. I had a television, but it had no antenna and I wasn't getting cable. I did not see the video of the second plane hitting the tower until a few years later. It is the not-seeing of that image that I think sets my experience of the trauma apart from most Americans'. At first, it was accidental. Then I started wanting to preserve my lack of exposure. I think my sister did too.

We both flew on the first day planes were flying, September 14th, out of Atlanta. My flight arrangements had been changed 4 times, new airport, new airline, new flight path. I was on a plane with people who had been stranded for 3 days, and I got in 20 minutes earlier than originally scheduled.

It was all very weird. I felt kind of disconnected from what others were going through, I think mostly because I was in the midst of such a huge life transition.

My first day in the pulpit wasn't till October 7th, so I didn't really have to address it. There were some very bold pulpit supply preachers who cared for my church in those difficult days. We've never really talked about it all that much. I have friends for whom September 16th was their first Sunday on a job. I gave thanks that wasn't me.

While we're thinking about large-scale tragedy, I have a similar story about Hurricane Katrina. The impact of that storm and resulting mess did come this far north. There were relief efforts, things going on here to care for displaced victims of the storm.

But that same month, September of 2005, our congregation lost 3 major pillars within 10 days. I was not very present for Katrina because we were dealing with death and grief and loss of our own, on a scale not experienced here before or since (in my ministry at least).

All of this makes me wonder about my own capacities for dealing with large-scale traumas. I seem to prefer not to get into the middle of things. Or Fate prefers for me not to. I have a very strong tendency to mutter unorthodox, contrary things in the midst of group-think, even when the group-think is motivated by shared tragedy. Perhaps it's God doing me a favor so that I'll keep my mouth shut.

I don't think I have much of a point here today. I have not found much meaning in all of that yet. I do worry about how I will behave in the future if some truly huge trauma happens and I have to take leadership. I feel untested and unsure of how I will perform. I would not want to fall short. But I'm tired of having good excuses for not getting very involved too.